I am not my anxiety

I was nervous as I walked into the room where the photo shoot was being held.  I had been excited for this moment ever since I got the email inviting me to be a part of the meaningful event.  Now that the time had come, though, I wasn’t sure I was ready.

I sat across from the photographer – just the two of us in the room. He was friendly and easy to talk to, which lessened my nerves.

“What are you most insecure about?” he asked.

The answer came easily to me.  My ongoing struggle with anxiety and depression.

“What about that makes you insecure?”

This was a little harder to put into words.  “Most of my friends are either from work or church,” I said.  “I have to be professional at work, so I certainly don’t talk about it there.  And the church has a long history of shaming people for mental health struggles.”  When he pressed me for more details, I explained that I have been told MANY times that anxiety is a sin. That if you “just pray about it,” God will take away the depression.

After telling me how ridiculous he thought those statements were, the photographer said, “If you could tell the church one thing about mental health, what would it be?”

I wish I could tell the church:

·        That mental health is physical health.  The brain is an organ that sometimes malfunctions, just like the lungs.  We don’t shame people for asthma, so why do we shame them for eating disorders, self-harm, anxiety, or depression?

·        That anxiety isn’t a sin.  Yes, I know the Bible says “be anxious for nothing.”  I tell my two-year-old “don’t worry” on a daily basis, but never do I mean it as a command.  I believe God meant these words as a comfort, not a command.

·        That you can’t pray it away.  Prayer is powerful.  It is not, however, a magic wand.  If you think you can pray away depression and anxiety – or anything for that matter – I would challenge you to do a very serious study on prayer.

·        That shame leads to silence, not healing.  Jesus can (and sometimes does) miraculously heal mental illness.  But more often, He brings healing through proper mental health treatment and a supportive community.  Breaking the shame and silence is an important step toward God’s healing.

Yes, I know.  That’s more than one thing.  And Mr. Photographer needed it narrowed down.  “I heard you say that you’ve been told to just pray about it. That stood out to me.  Does that stand out to you as a big part of your journey?”

Absolutely.

And with those four words written across my skin, I broke the silence and finally told the church, the world, and myself that I AM NOT MY ANXIETY.